I looked at David the other day while we were sitting on the couch. And out of the blue, I blurted something to the effect of:
“Just so you know, I’m one of those people that’s always sad.”
It’s been like this for a long time. I’m always glum. I’m Eeyore, through and through. Present me with a situation, and I’ll tell you how it sucks. As me how my day was, and even if it was 95% fine, I’ll tell you how it was terrible. How I want to cry when I think back on what happened. How things will not be brighter tomorrow.
I can’t tell if this is just me, or if there’s something, well, wrong. How do you know?
I know it’s not hormonal. I used to have major issues with these negative feelings back when I was on a certain kind of birth control. (Hi, TMI. Get used to it, family.) Round when I’d get to one part of the pack, I would cry for days and everything was The End Of The World. I would lay in bed and weep and cry hysterically, and tell David that the world would be better without me. I never did anything to, you know, rid the world of myself, but let me tell you: thems were bleak days.
Now, though, it’s just a general fog. A patina of ennui. This feeling like nothing is going to get better; my view of the future is only occasionally unclouded if I manage to get really worked up over something political, or if I daydream about making some sort of rash and utterly irresponsible decision about changing my life path.
There are SO many things that make me happy– David, for one; being at home and working on making things I can be proud of. Those darn fuzzy mongrels that cover my house top to bottom in fur and drool. They’re pretty much the greatest.
Even my job, I can rationalize and be a-ok with. I am doing something 16 year old me would think was awesome, despite it’s problems.
So, why the fog? Why the gloom? Why the general feeling of malaise? Why the tendency to stay home and sit on the couch, when I have a great-big-wide-wonderful world outside the door?
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Hmmm… Well, as far as the sitting on the couch, feeling sad, when there is a whole world out there to explore, I find that happens to me when I let myself get in the habit. Try putting “dates” with yourself (or others) on the calendar. Plan those trips to inspiring art exhibits, or concerts, or whatever gets you excited about the world. It’s like lifelines to the future. Something to look forward to.
I used to be just like you. Thought I was going to be forever glum. Once I had my son, I became forever tired, but somehow the glumness left. I’m not saying childbirth is necessary, but I think learning that the sad parts of life are temporary is. I really consider myself an optimist these days. Despite some awfully rocky travels over the last 4 years, I’ve emerged in a pretty darn happy state of being. I think that will happen for you too.
Rachel recently posted..Working Wednesday – When Blueprints Really Were Blue
this is definitely true– i know that i start to get REALLY bummed out when i’m in a rut. and considering there’s very little change in my day to day, i have to force it. while babies would throw the whole world on it’s head, a kiddo would also mean that we couldn’t afford… life… or existence. but i think i need to start doing things like “oh, we’re so crazay for going to a move on a wednesday night!” instead of just sitting around and watching re-runs of criminal minds :-)
Sorry you’re so down!!! I wish I could do something to help you… oh crap… I owe you feedback on your work website. I’m sorry to let you down!!
Stef at TooMuchToDoSoLittleTime.com recently posted..Babybel OCD and Making a Wax Heart
no worries! i feel like this year has already been nutty for everyone i know! maybe in february we can start to chill out a bit.
Oh the irony! I find a blog tonight called the Happy Home and come here only to find you are a sad sack. Everything happens for a reason though. Maybe I was sent here by some super natural force to tell you how to put an end to your sadness. Lay off the junk food and start working out. Seriously. The working out itself will improve your mood. Once the mood picks up, start replacing your refined carbs with more nutritious ones. I realize you aren’t necessarily seeking advice, so I hope your not offended by my offering.
how did i know that was going to happen? haha. no, i’ll be back to brownies and booze soon; i just needed to get that off my chest. i realize i’m in my mid-20s and this feeling will pass; i’m not one to respond well to being stuck in a rut, and rut is where i am.
i hope you stick around for happier home posts!
When I’m stuck in a rut, or just had a bad day and feeling down, I like to find that one thing- that no matter what is going on just puts me in a happy mood, that makes me feel good!
For a while it’s going for a run, sometimes it’s listening to Lady Gaga really loud and singing along, and other times it’s rubbing my dog’s belly.
I like to find those little happy things when the rest of life is crap.
Sometimes it’s nice to wallow in self-pity, but then when you need to pick yourself up again, it’s nice to know that you have a stockpile of happy things you can come back to.
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Oh Dear. I don’t like to hear that you’re feeling this way. I wish I had a suggestion for you on how to get out of the funl but, sometimes it’s just better to sympathize. I’ve definitely been there, too. It was many, many years ago, but I was in a *really* depressing fog that I just couldn’t find my way out of. I’m positive that it was raging hormones. I sure do hope you can find your way out of your fog. It will happen. Patience and distractions should help : /
liz @ btb recently posted..11 Days Overdue + Time to Induce!
I understand that feeling. Life is good, but sometimes that rut is so big, it doesn’t matter.
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